The thing is that it's a national disgrace that there isn't a gift component to the 4th of July. Over Easter my sister Babe proudly displayed her patriotic assortment of wrapping paper. Upon further discussion, however, my family realized with shock that no holiday has been designated to give American-themed gifts. How has this escaped the flag industry? The bunting industry? The temporary tattoo industry? As a nation founded on capitalistic principles (some say), how is that capitalism hasn't capitalized on our nation's birthday yet?
So the Kock family is taking it upon ourselves to begin a new national tradition. We are going to celebrate our nation's birthday by buying things and giving them to each other in patriotic-themed wrapping paper. How can this not take off?
My 4th of July All-American Wish List ($15 spending limit):
*flag or flag-like display*
*bunting*
*temporary tattoo, patriotic themed*
*book by David McCullough, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Stephen Ambrose, etc*
*donation to some American organization, such as the NRA or NPR (or similar)*
*calendar with photos of amber waves of grain, purple mountains, etc*
*American-made product (beer or cars or sugar-laden food-like items)*
*cds (Lee Greenwood, Elvis, Toby Keith, anything rap, jazz or blues)*
*firearm*
*gift certificates to WalMart, McDonalds, Old Country Buffet*
*5 gallons of gas*
*autobiography of someone who has or will run for President*
*dvds of movies about our national disgraces (Nixon, JFK, Platoon, Mississippi Burning, etc)
*bratwurst or cheddarwurst*
*self-help book*
*freedom*
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Bratwurst? I think that's a little German. And I have to say that if someone gives a firearm away in the patriotic gift exchange, it had better actually be a limb on fire or I will be scared and run away.
ReplyDeleteGood point about bratwurst, but I think American can totally claim cheddarwurst. Who else would put totally fatty food inside of a totally fatty food that you cook and eat out doors?
ReplyDeletecan one buy a firearm for $15? doubtful. also, are self help books unique to the US. what sort of statement are you making about your fellow americans, i wonder.
ReplyDeletealso, am i wrong that our country is the only one that would come up with a movie called 'hot tub time machine'?
What, do poor people (or families with $15 spending limits) not need firearms like rich people? How is it fair? And, correspondingly, how is that American?
ReplyDeleteAnd, actually, I considered putting both hot tub and time machine on the list, but then I considered the spending limit. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want a $15 hot tub. Or a $15 time machine.
If you would suck it up and watch the movie, you would learn that it is neither the hot tub aspect, nor the time machine that allowed them to go back to the eighties and get john cusack stabbed in the eye with a fork.
ReplyDelete(more above the eye, though. in the eye would have been gross)
Instead, it was a russian version of red bull that did the trick. Thoroughly unamerican.